St. Patricks Day.
It is a day I have personally despised since 1993 because it was the day I lost my twin babies in a horrifying miscarriage.
The leprechauns, the shamrocks, the green beer , the green food, all of it had become a bitter memory.
A day that has tormented me for years with the guilt and shame because of how they were conceived.
The ambulance ride seemed endless.
A day that reminds me of the pain and agony as labor was induced to deliver my babies that were no longer breathing.
My mother, broken hearted by my side.
A day that I remember being told that I would never be able to have children.
A day that all the ER nurses wore their St Pattys day colors and stickers and headbands that were permanently etched in my mind every year to remind me of this terrible day.
A day that seems to have frozen in time and a place I refused to revisit.
A day I never grieved ………..until recently.
I was spending time with the Lord and was overwhelmed with the sense of Gods voice speaking to my heart to go back to this day in 93 and grieve.
This time, I would not grieve alone, but with His loving arms around me.
This time, there was no physical pain but pain in my heart. It was a pain that I realized came from a need to apologize to God for the “fling” that resulted in this pregnancy.
This time, I asked for forgiveness for the way I lived my life in that season of sin.
God was faithful to give me His peace and His promises and His rest!
I cried to Him and He comforted me as I mourned the loss of my babies for the first time in December of 2018. We mourned together and He reminded me that my babies went straight into His arms, untainted by the wicked ways of this world. For 3 days, I held them close to my heart and poured out tears as realized I genuinely missed them.
God spent those 3 days restoring my heart, cleansing my heart, and showing me that I don’t have to dread one more day sitting in the cesspool of that season.
God has given me a testimony to share with you because no matter where you are on your journey, HE is waiting to meet you , dust you off, love on you, and restore you. Just like he did me. PLEASE don’t wait so many years to take the hard things to God! He is our Father and He lavishes His love on us when we come to him broken, humble, and honest. We never have to shrink back when God gives us a prompting for restoration!
Listen to the Word of the Lord:
“So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. ” Hebrews 4:16 NLT
I finally named my babies in December of 2018.
Riley O’Brien and Quinn Sinclair Hill ( my maiden name)
As I take a deep breath and smile, I am thankful for the new image I have of their precious faces.
I KNOW from experience that God restores and gives us rest when we come into His presence with a broken heart and a willingness to let Him have control. I received His mercy and His grace and am confident in WHOSE I am!
Because HE lives I can face tomorrow AND I can face St. Patricks Day 2019 with my heart full of JOY!!!
A side-note for those who do not know me : in 2004 I was blessed with a 4 year old little girl that God gave me and trusted me to be her mommy….She is now a 20 year old bright light for Jesus attending Liberty University online campus.